Sittin’ in my room with nothin’ to do
When there's a knocking at my door by someone god knows who
So I get up out of my chair with curious thoughts
And when I open up the door I practically plotz
Standing on my porch some guy in the buff
He's got a creepy pagan wolf mask, think I've seen enough
So I attempt to slam the door, try keeping him out
But he's too quick and holds it open using his snout

Always thought that I lived in a tepid neighborhood
But I seem to stand corrected
‘Cuz it’s Winter Solstice, and much to my hating
There's a crowd of Celts out and celebrating
With a yearly festival featuring streaking
Got to hope that their population's peaking
'Cuz I don't think I can take more of their antics
Call me racist, but hey, it's just semantics
I don't care

Wolfy gets his way and opens my door
And then before I get to close it lets in seven more
Of these abominable Celts not wearing a thread
Except of course the scary beastie mask on each head
Fearing for my life, I run and I hide
I go into my room and promptly lock myself inside
But to my major disappointment what do I hear?
The Pagans breaking all my stuff and drinking my beer

Then I start to feel animalistic
Full of rage and may be a bit sadistic
They can’t come in here with their genitals showing
Creepy faces and tinny-whistles blowing
And the corned beef hash begins boiling within me
Slap myself and say don’t be such a ninny
So I grab a weapon and harness my loathing
For good measure I tear off all my clothing
Just like them!

Steeped in the ways of the ancients
I take my place as a Pagan
Deep in the halls of the ancients
No turning back from this lifestyle choice

Chugging Guinness pints at Finnegan’s pub
It feels so good to be accepted by this little club
Of Irish people who can handle their alcohol
And know their way around a fight with you or a wall
Even got a wife, one beautiful sight
My wild Irish rose that I’m deflowering tonight
Although I have already seen her totally nude
I’m looking forward to expressing my gratitude

To these people for all that they’ve shown me
And to her because she agreed to bone me
With that tight vagina that’s probably not tight
But I shouldn’t just put her in the spotlight
'Cause her sexual history is really her business
I’m just glad that she blows me [such good kisses]
I’m ecstatic like it’s the end of the famine
Getting laid and still drinking like a salmon
With a problem!